The Bad Date Chronicles: Homeowner UPDATE

If you missed Part 1 or need a refresher, click here.

^^My face for the rest of church after this little episode.

Why is there an update? There shouldn't be anything to add to that.

I agree.

But LO AND BEHOLD I was running late into church one day and the Homeowner grabbed my friend's shoulder and said he needed to talk to the girl in the pink (me, that's me). So my friend grabbed me just as I had entered the chapel, and I turned around to see someone I had not planned on encountering ever again.

My first thought was, "Dang it. He found the blog."

^ This would not have been the first time someone has found a post written about them..
I reap what I sow. I'm okay with it.

The first time it happened, it ended really well. The guy I wrote about thought it was funny, apologized for making me uncomfortable, and then sent it to his fiance so they could laugh about it together. Good sport, that one.

The second time it happened, he denied everything that happened on the date (even though there were witnesses) and really really did not take it well. Sorry, dude.

Anyway, I thought I was in for round 3 of confrontations, but instead he said, "Where do I know you from?"

OH good grief. He was playing dumb. OR I have once again made so minuscule of an impression that he ACTUALLY forgot about the whole thing. Could be either one.

"What was your name again?" - Me.   If he's gonna play dumb, I can too.

"The Homeowner" - I'm not gonna actually say his name. I'm not that mean.

"OH right. We went on a date once!" - Me

"Where?" - Him

"Macaroni Grill." - Me

"Oh, with the fireplace?" -Him

"Yes!" - Me

"Why didn't we go out again?" - Him

... really. You don't remember that heated (in a bad way) text exchange.. Alright, I'll remind you.

"I wasn't interested." - Me

"I make more money than your dad." -Him

..

Uh.. Excuse me? Wait. WHAT did you just say?
Is that like... a pickup line??? Is that supposed to make me want you?

"Um... " - Me

"Like a LOT more." - Him

OHkay.... WHERE do you get off?!?!?!?!

"Welp. That's not all there is!" - Me (that was the best I could come up with.. I know. I know.)

"Haha. Alright, see ya." - Him.. He then playfully slapped my arm and walked away.

I'm not good at coming up with biting responses on the spot. But if I could go back, I probably would have said something more like,  
"You are a huge jack***."

Anyway. I thought yall would want to hear this little tidbit.

Until next time.

Happy dating.
Haha. Like that's a thing.
Just kidding. I'm sure it is sometimes. Like, the one time it works. I'm sure that's nice.

The Bad Date Chronicles: The Face Whisperer

This submission is from a long lost friend of mine..

This is probably what his face looks like when he's working his magic. Or it could be everyone's response to his "magic".

The Face Whisperer got my friend's phone number from someone ELSE'S church directory. He was shoppin in a new store. Checkin the menu at a different restaurant. Apparently the pickings in his own orchard were less than.

K I'm done with the metaphors. I don't know why I felt the need to have three. But there.. There are three.

The double date started with making homemade pizzas with another couple.

Another couple who is seriously dating. (I think you'd agree that few things are worse than being on a first date with a couple that is almost married. They're always so blasted in love and happy and touchy and you're just over there like.. So where do you go to school. Yeah. K lets keep making small talk while they caress each other in the back seat. What choice do we have; we definitely aren't at the caressing-level yet. That's a pretty high level.)

Back to the pizza.

According to my friend, "Any pizza date just sucks. It never tastes as good as a real pizza. And who wants to make pizza out of a box?! We can all just go buy Luncheables and it will take a lot less time."

.... But she's not bitter... hah. (yes she is.) Pizza is great.

Anyway, Face Whisperer wouldn't let my friend help make the pizzas. The only thing she was allowed to do was open the can of tomato sauce. As they talked about their lives in a classic Q and A, 20 questions-style interview (the kind that happens when you're not enjoying the date), my friend shared that she does gymnastics and really enjoys it. Her date responded by saying, "Oh, cool! On my mission, I had an investigator that really loved gymnastics, and he told me that I would marry someone with a gymnast's body."

Uh huh.

He went on to tell her about how he lives with his parents   **ding-ding**...[red flag]...   and has a very rebellious group of friends   **ding-ding**.....[second red flag]..... He likes to spend time with them so that he can be a good influence, but they end up rubbing off on him, and then he does things he regrets. But he's going to keep hanging out with them because he hopes that one day, he will be a good influence on them.

Right.

Maybe it's just me but those convictions sound a little weak.

Meanwhile, the almost-marrieds were slow dancing in the living room.

The Face Whisperer then sat my friend down and told her that he read a book about how you can tell a lot about someone's personality based on their facial structure.

"For a while, I would go up to people in parking lots and tell them about their personalities just based on what their faces look like! They were always really surprised by it."

I don't doubt it.

I think it's safe to say anyone would be surprised if someone ran up to them in a parking lot and said, "You have big teeth! Big teeth means bad communicator!!!!"
Don't do that to people. People have enough going on in their lives without worrying about strangers using their faces -- which they're probably already insecure about -- to tell them about their personality flaws that they are also probably already insecure about. GEESH.

I'm sure you're dying to know what this psychic of faciality said to my friend.

Here you go. This really happened.

"Hmm.. Yes, can you tilt your chin to the left? .. Uh huh. Your nose reveals that you can be stubborn and that you like to get your way."

"Okay, raise your neck a bit. Yep. The size of your ears means that you're bad at managing money."

** moves close to my friend's face to get a better view and shuffles around for various angles **

"The distance between your eyes means that you're horrible at making decisions."

"Your jaw structure means that you're too judgmental. You form opinions about people before you get to know them."

As you can imagine, my friend was weak at the knees by this point and was having to restrain herself from pouncing on him and kissing his sweet little romantic face -- which probably would have indicated an incredible lack of self-awareness and a talent for monstrous impertinence.

In the words of Lizzie Bennett, "You have insulted me in every possible way and can now have nothing further to say."

OH but it wasn't over. The Face Whisperer wanted to show my friend some.....CARD TRICKS!!!!!...
** GASPS ** **FAINTING** **SHOCKED WHISPERS** ** KNIFE STABBING**

(If you're lost as to why card tricks illicit such a dramatic response, click Here.)

After some card tricks -- I'm not even going to say anything about that because I'm probably super jaded about card tricks -- the boy walked my friend home. At the door, he asked her on another date. She said she'd have to check her schedule.

To this, he responded with, "I hope I didn't scare you off, and that we can still go on more dates with each other!"

..

SO! If you really want a girl to go out with you again, point out strong features on her face and then insult her personality. Girls love that.

Just kidding.  They don't.

The Bad Date Chronicles: Pregnant Lady

It's been too long! Sorry. Well. Actually, I'm not. Because this means that I haven't gone on a date in the last two months terrible enough to tell hundreds of people about. Hah! Haha. TAKE THAT.

Speaking of.. can we have a moment and think about how great this is?? I don't want to jinx myself, but it's been very nice to come home from dates and NOT feel the need to vomit, shower twice, or spend seven hours contemplating how you're going to make the next 10-20 single years super fun.

Good job, men of Provo. You're learning. Or you're just afraid to do stupid things around me, now. I'll take either. #blessed

I can't say I'm sad about the lack of awfulness.. But I don't want the entertainment to end, should this dry spell of bad dates continue. So! I'm now going to be taking submissions for The Bad Date Chronicles. Tell me your worst date stories! And if they're terrible enough for hundreds of people to laugh at with you, I'll put them up on the blog.  I may throw in some commentary, just for cohesiveness ;), and I won't use anyone's real names. Only my perfectly encapsulated code names. Send em to my Facebook inbox, please! To start things off, here's a gem from my one of my uncles:

Pregnant Lady

This was the creepiest picture of a pregnant belly I could find.

My uncle had just gotten back from his mission and was new to the dating game. His sister had a friend she wanted to set him up with. My uncle was fresh, as we call it in the Mormon world. Meaning that since he had just gotten home from his mission, he was probably awkward and afraid of women. There's a look of sheer terror that never seems to leave their eyes.. (at least not for 6 months).

It's pretty funny, actually. Mention the words "marriage" or "career" and they start laughing nervously and mumble something about taking generals and having fun. The little cutie patooties.

For those of you who aren't a part of Mormon culture, boys go on missions for 2 years after high school in which they don't interact with women in a romantic sense. I mean, that's not the PURPOSE of the mission, but it's a side effect. They come home and are then expected to begin dating "for marriage."
No more practice dates. No more prelims. This is the REAL DEAL. Playing for keeps. Eternity is at stake. And most of them are a little freaked out by this..  some are really over-eager.. but most are freaked out. And the poor souls are not even 21 years old.

Anyway, now you have context. My newly-returned uncle went to the blind date's door and knocked. A few seconds later, a woman 6 months pregnant opened the door.. And they left on their date.

He was unsure how to proceed. What do you talk about?

"SO! How'd THAT get there??"

... Probs shouldn't talk about that. That's.. no. Let's steer clear of talking about how the growing tiny human got implanted in your date's stomach.

"Can I feel it kick?"

".. Does it hurt?"

"How's that morning sickness treatin ya?..."

"So was it a boyfriend? A drunken fling?? An "accident"? ... Haha.."

"Man, that's gonna hurt coming out!"

Also nopes. There's a baby-sized elephant in the room and not really anything you can do about it. Try to think of a question related to a pregnant date that doesn't end horribly. Go ahead, I'll wait.
You can't, can you?

I don't know what my uncle and the pregnant lady did on their date (I think it was just dinner. She obviously didn't partake of the wine menu..  hahaha man, I crack myself up.) but after it was over, he dropped her off at her parent's house and started to drive away.

As he left the neighborhood, he noticed a man standing in the middle of the road a few feet away from a car. My uncle figured he was drunk and slowly drove past him. The man friggin PUNCHED my uncle's car as he drove by. Uncle stopped the car, rolled down the window, and yelled,

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT??"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?!" the Possibly Drunk Man yelled.

"WHO AM I?! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!" Uncle yelled back. (This uncle is not one to be trifled with, if you can't tell. He could take you out.)

"THAT'S MY WIFE!!!" P.D.M. yelled.

Uncle slammed on the gas and got the heck outta dodge. P.D.M. leaped into his car and started CHASING AFTER him, but Uncle is a stud so he lost P.D.M. My uncle later found out that this charming, polite **sarcasm** gentleman was the father of the baby and had a restraining order, so could not approach the nice preggo lady's house..

In the words of my uncle, "My days of dating gestational hotties were over."

The things we do for love..

Have at it, folks. Let's see your worst :).

The Bad Date Chronicles: The Homeowner (AKA The 38-year-old)

An exaggeration of what my life would be like if I had married the Homeowner.

This one freaked me out on a number of levels. Tears were shed. Gasps were taken. It was a whole thing. But it started out very well.

I was walking to Sunday School at church, and as I entered the room, someone called my name from the hallway and said that a person out there needed me. I walked back into the hallway and was met by a tall, husky, bald man whom I had never met in my life.

"Hi. I just had to stop you or I'd regret it for the next 10 years."

Yeah you would. I knew I was having a good face day.

I didn't say that. I just said,
"Oh haha thanks!"

He proceeded to very rapidly show me pictures of his nieces, say lots of details about himself that I don't remember, and ask me out for the next night.

I went back into Sunday School and answered my roommates confused faces. Also, I feel like I need to mention that this gesture did not freak me out at all. It's very refreshing when men show confidence by seeing someone they want to ask out, and then doing it. So what if she says no? Now you KNOW she's not your wife and you didn't even have to spend money to find out.
Efficiency, my friends.

He picked me up for dinner the next night in the largest truck I have ever entered in my life. The cab could have held my whole bedroom. You could have stacked 5 of me in the seat and there still would have been room.. Anyway. Big truck.

During the drive, he told me about his software company that he was about to retire from in a few years. He had recently purchased (purchased) a huge condo and just wanted to travel the world with his future wife for the rest of time. From all of this and from other clues, I gathered that he was 15 years older than me, minimum. I also couldn't help but notice that he never asked me what my major was or what I wanted to do for a career. That made me feel kind of gross.. #trophywife

We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner where he made sure we got a table by the fire (He loves the finer things in life.) Then, he launched into this little number.

"So, what first sexually attracts you to someone?"

OHkay, buddy. Nope. Let's bring it down a little.

I hesitated, so he gave me suggestions, "Broad shoulders, height?"

"Yeah.. Yup."

Sure, dude. Just list off your own attributes.

He was actually right. But a full head of hair is added to that list. (I refrained from mentioning that little tidbit.)

Dinner was fine. He seemed a little bitter about his single status, but I could tell he had been through a lot of pain in past relationships.. Actually I couldn't tell; he told me a detailed history. Perhaps because of this, he was super intense. I was making most of the jokes just to get him to freakin relax a little.

In case you were wondering.. I don't like being the person cracking most of the jokes. It makes me feel like Jim Carrey.

After dinner, he took me to his new condo so he could show me the place and get my suggestions on paint colors and furniture decor. Wait, how long have you known this person? About one minute, thanks for asking. Apparently I come across as someone with excellent taste in bathroom tiles.

After the tour, he took me home and did a super weird doorstep scene. He went in for the hug and then PICKED ME UP. Like the kind of thing you see couples do after they get engaged. Um. Why did you pick me up, sir? What warranted that unsolicited action? And why does this step seem to be so difficult? Just don't vibrate, moan, or lift anyone and you're golden.

When I walked in the door to my apartment, I burst into tears. Not because of the hug. Because I was really sad for him. I cried into Sherlynn's lap for about 20 minutes. We had company over. They were freaked out and kept exchanging glances. Whatever, I cry sometimes a lot.

I honestly felt so terrible for him. It made me so sad to think about him being completely done with school, almost done with his career, a beautiful house in the making, and no one to share it with. I can't imagine doing this for 15 more years and accomplishing everything else I want to accomplish in life except the one thing that really matters. (That is not a challenge, God, please don't make me do this for 15 more years.)

A few days later, he texted me asking me if I'd like to fly to New York or San Francisco with him to see the ballet.

 It was one of those moments where I thought, Am I the weird one?? Do people usually fly to different states on the 2nd date??Have times changed??? 

I declined and said that it seemed a little forward for a 2nd date. His backup idea was to go indoor skydiving and then see Christmas lights.

Nope. I hate falling. Feels like death. So, I dropped the bomb. The following image is the actual text string. #evidence

In the words of Maddie, "NO IT DOESN'T!!!!!!"

...yes.. So. I didn't feel as bad for him after that.

Apparently the ENTIRE race of women wants "poor bad boys" because I didn't want to date the Homeowner. I think that's what we call a false causality.

Amen.

The Bad Date Chronicles: Make-Out Guy

No, I didn't make out with him.

It was kind of like this except it was absolutely nothing like this. Except for the truck and the blanket.

This was one of those dates where you come home and think, "Wow God, my husband better be literally perfect if I have to endure much more of this [crap]."

Make-out guy was another relative of a friend. He came into my office a few times to flirt, and then he asked me out on a date. How refreshing! He just asked you out and got 'er done. Yes, that's what I thought tool. Whoops! *Too.. don't know how I got confused there..

Mr. No-Last-Name (I still don't know his last name) was getting his graduate degree from the University of Utah and was at least 27 by my calculations. He told me he wanted to get ice cream and go find somewhere to talk. I told him that was my favorite first date! And it is. You get ice cream, you get to find out if you can tolerate the person's presence for any amount of time, and it can be as long or as short as you'd like.

Some people think first dates are big, exhausting extravaganzas. But they really shouldn't be. A first date should be kept under an hour and is only used to find out if 1. There is chemistry. and 2. You like talking to each other. Marathon Dates should be saved for dates 10-23,442. No one wants to dedicate 12 hours to someone you might absolutely hate spending time with or just hate as a person. Men don't always think this through because they get to choose who they ask out, but we women have to accept or reject what is offered to us and unless it is VERY clear that we are INTENSELY interested, there's no need for a Marathon Date.

Okay. So Mr. Make-Out picked me up in his truck, got us ice cream, and drove to the outskirts of the city to a "look-out point" in the very middle of absolutely nowhere. I noticed that I had no idea where I was or how to leave so. That's dangerous.

We went on a short walk around this no man's land while we ate our ice cream, and then I started to climb back into the cab of the truck.

"Oh, no, I set it up so we could sit in the back of the truck."

Ohhhh the BACK of the truck. Well at this point I didn't know a lot about dating, but I knew enough from country songs that the BACKS of trucks were places you broke the law of chastity.

To my utter chagrin, I looked in the back of the truck and saw an array of carefully spread out blankets and pillows.

Nope. No, sir. I don't know you at all. What the HELL makes you think I would enjoy something like this???? How hot do you think you are because, I'll tell ya, you're just alright.

I climbed into the back of the truck because "benefit of the doubt" and sat very straight up on the tool box ABOVE the blankets and pillows. He put his arm around me which was vastly un-called-for and I started asking him about his life. Eventually he coaxed me into sitting off of the tool box, but don't worry, I still stayed sitting up.

As the sun went down, I asked him literally every question I could think of. I thought it was odd that he wasn't really answering fully. His answers were like a few words at most. And he wasn't asking me anything at all. This had quickly turned into an interrogation. And he had negative desire to get to know me. Except in the biblical sense.

He clearly wanted to move on to other activities. And I super didn't want to.

While he was "re-arranging the pillows so they'll be more comfortable," I sent a quick text to my friend Chris saying something like "HELP. GET ME OUT OF THIS." (I had previously told Chris I wasn't sure how this date would go and would be contacting him if I required assistance.) Require assistance I did, and Chris, gem that he is, called me promptly.

I waited a few minutes and then said, "Sorry, someone's called me like 10 times. Let me make sure it's not an emergency."

I called Chris back and he told me he needed me to pick him up because his car had been towed. (GREAT job, Chris. Flawless. I forever love you for being such good friend when I needed you to be.)

Except my date said, "Oh, I'll have my friend pick him up."

WOW. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. No. You can't have your friend pick him up oh my gosh how thirsty are you!?!

This threw me off so badly, I said the next excuse that popped into my head.

"My cousin needs me to help her sew a dress."

** face palm **

".. Sew a dress?"

"Yep."

"Right now?"

"Yes, right now."

HAH! Bet your friend can't sew dresses. 

"Okay, I guess we can leave."

Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Thank you.

To my credit, my cousin was sewing a dress for a wedding that day. So, it was true-ish.

The ride home was probably the most awkward experience of my life because he tried to hold my hand. Holy heck, dude. What part of this date made you think I wanted physical touch from you? Good Gracious. I GAVE ZERO SIGNALS FOR YOU TO TOUCH ME. ZERO. I SAID I WOULD RATHER SEW MY COUSIN'S DRESS THAN CONTINUE THIS DATE.

Make-out guy, unfortunately, was pretty scarring for me. I felt like I needed to take a shower and was disgusted with the thought of going on another date for several days. But. You gotta get back on the horse. Gotta play the game if you want to win.

So, I bucked up and carried on.

The Bad Date Chronicles: Naked Man

^^ Because this guy was about as crunchy granola as a man made out of actual granola.

Naked man was a set up by one of my older friends. It (he, sorry, he) was a relative of his, and I was more than happy to oblige him by going on a date with said relative. I do what I can to please the people.

Our first date was... I actually do not remember what our first date was, but we had a pretty good time. He was definitely not what I was usually attracted to (he was a Ute, so, that's exotic.), and I wanted to make sure I gave the relative of my friend a fair chance, so I said yes to a second date.

OH! We went rock climbing on our first date. It was pretty fun, but he made me do it barefoot because I don't own climbing shoes. I cut several of my toes on the rocks that I was climbing barefoot. But he was nice besides that.

On our SECOND date, we hiked 4.5 miles to the hot pools in Springville. Can you tell that this guy likes nature? I bet for our third date we would have swam the Provo river and cooked fish that we speared with our own handmade spears.

If any of you know me, this is comical just by itself. I'll tell ya right now, I probably won't marry a mountain man. I like all of the things that nature can't provide. Like houses.

Nature is great in small doses where you go home and watch a movie afterwards. Humans learned how to make houses so we wouldn't have to live outside anymore. Let's not take that for granted.

For one thing, this man was a lot touchier on a second date than I thought necessary. I don't think you need to cuddle in a hot tub on a second date with someone you have just met. No, no. Don't need that. Second date just means "I wasn't repulsed by you." So after the reluctant cuddling, we started the 4.5 mile hike back to the car. For the ENTIRE hike, which took about 30 minutes, he told me how much he liked to be naked. (Remember, this man is hairy, has a small gut, and a full beard.)

He likes to rock climb naked.

He likes to do yoga naked.

He thinks I should try doing yoga naked. (He wouldn't watch, although he wouldn't mind. Heh Heh. Yes he actually said that. On date 2.)

...

He likes to repel naked.

He thinks he was a nudist in a past life.

Moral of the story: Don't go on dates with people from the University of Utah. Oh, Lizzie. Didn't you already know that?
No, and apparently I needed another reminder because the next guy in these chronicles was also a Ute and also not charming.
I don't make the same mistake twice. I make it two or three times, just to be sure.
I didn't make that up, but isn't it great? I feel like it describes my life.

Side note: Couples should not wrestle. I don't care how "playfully competitive" you are. Please do not wrestle. Please oh please. And if you do, please do it when you are completely alone and there aren't 5 other women watching you throw each other's bodies around. It is so strange. It makes me very uncomfortable because it seems erotic and I know you're not sleeping together, so I don't want to watch you release any sexual tension. Please do that on your own time. I can't tell you how much I don't like it. Actually, I could, but I'm going to stop before I start using unladylike language. Sorry, Sherlynn. I used the language at her so I wouldn't cuss out the couple.

They broke my picture frame.

No wrestling.

That's all. Have a nice day.

The Bad Date Chronicles: Murderer Guy

Oh, Murderer Guy. You cheeky you.

I met Murderer Guy at the Liberty Square hot tub. Classic. He told me he would take me on a date to go horseback riding. Sounds pleasant and free of certain death, yes? No no. No.

Murderer Guy picked me up and took me to his grandfather's ranch. We saddled up some horses and started our pleasant little trot across the tall, grassy plains. All was free of killer-like scenarios until we came upon an abandoned, bashed in house. Part of the roof was collapsed, the windows were broken, and there was graffiti on some of the walls. Sounds like the perfect setting for a first date. Wait a second. No it does not. Not even a little bit.

It looked much like the photo above -- one of those houses you pass by on road trips and chuckle as you say to your friends, "Hey, that looks like a house you'd get murdered in!"

So we pulled up to this house and my date got off his horse and tied him up, implying that we were going to go near this house that screamed STAY AWAY FROM ME: I HOUSE KILLERS. Ask me why he wanted to get closer to this house. Go on, ask me. Because he's a psychopath. Also, I don't know why. These kinds of places are EXACTLY the kinds of places I strategize my entire life around avoiding. (i.e. I will not live in small towns or Rosewood, PA because of these houses)

My date then told me that he wanted to give me a tour. He told me it was an Abandoned Polygamy House. And if you know my feelings about polygamy, you know that this was probably the least inviting thing he could have possibly said. #ihatepolygamy

We walked up the rickety porch and he began to give me a tour. A few rooms in, I noticed a 6 X 3 foot pit in the middle of the floor leading down to a concrete cellar. At that moment, I saw my life as if I was watching it third person. As the opening scenes of a Lifetime movie where an innocent college girl goes on a date with a charming stranger and ends up being held in a concrete cellar of an abandoned polygamy house for 6 months and experiences a fate worse than death.

I suddenly became aware of the fact that I really didn't know this man at all and I didn't have any friends that knew him either. Then, I realized how easy it would be for him to kill me or something. I stayed a good 10 feet away from him for the entire "tour" of his favorite little date spot.

After what seemed like 7 years, he suggested we ride back to the stables. At this moment, I began one of the worst allergy attacks I've ever had in my life. My nose started getting watery, my throat got itchy, my eyes got watery AND itchy, my back was itchy. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I felt like the woman on the Claritin commercial before she gets Claritin Clear and also if she was puffy and itchy and miserable. I did my best to use my shirt sleeves to mop up all of the liquids that were streaming out of my face while we drove the 1624234 miles back to Provo.

At one point during the drive hime, he asked with irritation, "Do you want me to pull over and get some allergy medicine or something?"

Not if you're going to use THAT tone, buddy. I pridefully said no and counted down the seconds until the end of this date.

I'd like to say that was the last I saw of Murderer guy, but somehow he became friends with my friends, and we all stayed the night in his cabin a few months later. He made no acknowledgement to our date or to the fact that he was a murderer, and Maddie and I feared for our lives the whole time.