The Bad Date Chronicles: The Homeowner (AKA The 38-year-old)

An exaggeration of what my life would be like if I had married the Homeowner.

This one freaked me out on a number of levels. Tears were shed. Gasps were taken. It was a whole thing. But it started out very well.

I was walking to Sunday School at church, and as I entered the room, someone called my name from the hallway and said that a person out there needed me. I walked back into the hallway and was met by a tall, husky, bald man whom I had never met in my life.

"Hi. I just had to stop you or I'd regret it for the next 10 years."

Yeah you would. I knew I was having a good face day.

I didn't say that. I just said,
"Oh haha thanks!"

He proceeded to very rapidly show me pictures of his nieces, say lots of details about himself that I don't remember, and ask me out for the next night.

I went back into Sunday School and answered my roommates confused faces. Also, I feel like I need to mention that this gesture did not freak me out at all. It's very refreshing when men show confidence by seeing someone they want to ask out, and then doing it. So what if she says no? Now you KNOW she's not your wife and you didn't even have to spend money to find out.
Efficiency, my friends.

He picked me up for dinner the next night in the largest truck I have ever entered in my life. The cab could have held my whole bedroom. You could have stacked 5 of me in the seat and there still would have been room.. Anyway. Big truck.

During the drive, he told me about his software company that he was about to retire from in a few years. He had recently purchased (purchased) a huge condo and just wanted to travel the world with his future wife for the rest of time. From all of this and from other clues, I gathered that he was 15 years older than me, minimum. I also couldn't help but notice that he never asked me what my major was or what I wanted to do for a career. That made me feel kind of gross.. #trophywife

We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner where he made sure we got a table by the fire (He loves the finer things in life.) Then, he launched into this little number.

"So, what first sexually attracts you to someone?"

OHkay, buddy. Nope. Let's bring it down a little.

I hesitated, so he gave me suggestions, "Broad shoulders, height?"

"Yeah.. Yup."

Sure, dude. Just list off your own attributes.

He was actually right. But a full head of hair is added to that list. (I refrained from mentioning that little tidbit.)

Dinner was fine. He seemed a little bitter about his single status, but I could tell he had been through a lot of pain in past relationships.. Actually I couldn't tell; he told me a detailed history. Perhaps because of this, he was super intense. I was making most of the jokes just to get him to freakin relax a little.

In case you were wondering.. I don't like being the person cracking most of the jokes. It makes me feel like Jim Carrey.

After dinner, he took me to his new condo so he could show me the place and get my suggestions on paint colors and furniture decor. Wait, how long have you known this person? About one minute, thanks for asking. Apparently I come across as someone with excellent taste in bathroom tiles.

After the tour, he took me home and did a super weird doorstep scene. He went in for the hug and then PICKED ME UP. Like the kind of thing you see couples do after they get engaged. Um. Why did you pick me up, sir? What warranted that unsolicited action? And why does this step seem to be so difficult? Just don't vibrate, moan, or lift anyone and you're golden.

When I walked in the door to my apartment, I burst into tears. Not because of the hug. Because I was really sad for him. I cried into Sherlynn's lap for about 20 minutes. We had company over. They were freaked out and kept exchanging glances. Whatever, I cry sometimes a lot.

I honestly felt so terrible for him. It made me so sad to think about him being completely done with school, almost done with his career, a beautiful house in the making, and no one to share it with. I can't imagine doing this for 15 more years and accomplishing everything else I want to accomplish in life except the one thing that really matters. (That is not a challenge, God, please don't make me do this for 15 more years.)

A few days later, he texted me asking me if I'd like to fly to New York or San Francisco with him to see the ballet.

 It was one of those moments where I thought, Am I the weird one?? Do people usually fly to different states on the 2nd date??Have times changed??? 

I declined and said that it seemed a little forward for a 2nd date. His backup idea was to go indoor skydiving and then see Christmas lights.

Nope. I hate falling. Feels like death. So, I dropped the bomb. The following image is the actual text string. #evidence

In the words of Maddie, "NO IT DOESN'T!!!!!!"

...yes.. So. I didn't feel as bad for him after that.

Apparently the ENTIRE race of women wants "poor bad boys" because I didn't want to date the Homeowner. I think that's what we call a false causality.

Amen.