The Bad Date Chronicles: Make-Out Guy

No, I didn't make out with him.

It was kind of like this except it was absolutely nothing like this. Except for the truck and the blanket.

This was one of those dates where you come home and think, "Wow God, my husband better be literally perfect if I have to endure much more of this [crap]."

Make-out guy was another relative of a friend. He came into my office a few times to flirt, and then he asked me out on a date. How refreshing! He just asked you out and got 'er done. Yes, that's what I thought tool. Whoops! *Too.. don't know how I got confused there..

Mr. No-Last-Name (I still don't know his last name) was getting his graduate degree from the University of Utah and was at least 27 by my calculations. He told me he wanted to get ice cream and go find somewhere to talk. I told him that was my favorite first date! And it is. You get ice cream, you get to find out if you can tolerate the person's presence for any amount of time, and it can be as long or as short as you'd like.

Some people think first dates are big, exhausting extravaganzas. But they really shouldn't be. A first date should be kept under an hour and is only used to find out if 1. There is chemistry. and 2. You like talking to each other. Marathon Dates should be saved for dates 10-23,442. No one wants to dedicate 12 hours to someone you might absolutely hate spending time with or just hate as a person. Men don't always think this through because they get to choose who they ask out, but we women have to accept or reject what is offered to us and unless it is VERY clear that we are INTENSELY interested, there's no need for a Marathon Date.

Okay. So Mr. Make-Out picked me up in his truck, got us ice cream, and drove to the outskirts of the city to a "look-out point" in the very middle of absolutely nowhere. I noticed that I had no idea where I was or how to leave so. That's dangerous.

We went on a short walk around this no man's land while we ate our ice cream, and then I started to climb back into the cab of the truck.

"Oh, no, I set it up so we could sit in the back of the truck."

Ohhhh the BACK of the truck. Well at this point I didn't know a lot about dating, but I knew enough from country songs that the BACKS of trucks were places you broke the law of chastity.

To my utter chagrin, I looked in the back of the truck and saw an array of carefully spread out blankets and pillows.

Nope. No, sir. I don't know you at all. What the HELL makes you think I would enjoy something like this???? How hot do you think you are because, I'll tell ya, you're just alright.

I climbed into the back of the truck because "benefit of the doubt" and sat very straight up on the tool box ABOVE the blankets and pillows. He put his arm around me which was vastly un-called-for and I started asking him about his life. Eventually he coaxed me into sitting off of the tool box, but don't worry, I still stayed sitting up.

As the sun went down, I asked him literally every question I could think of. I thought it was odd that he wasn't really answering fully. His answers were like a few words at most. And he wasn't asking me anything at all. This had quickly turned into an interrogation. And he had negative desire to get to know me. Except in the biblical sense.

He clearly wanted to move on to other activities. And I super didn't want to.

While he was "re-arranging the pillows so they'll be more comfortable," I sent a quick text to my friend Chris saying something like "HELP. GET ME OUT OF THIS." (I had previously told Chris I wasn't sure how this date would go and would be contacting him if I required assistance.) Require assistance I did, and Chris, gem that he is, called me promptly.

I waited a few minutes and then said, "Sorry, someone's called me like 10 times. Let me make sure it's not an emergency."

I called Chris back and he told me he needed me to pick him up because his car had been towed. (GREAT job, Chris. Flawless. I forever love you for being such good friend when I needed you to be.)

Except my date said, "Oh, I'll have my friend pick him up."

WOW. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. No. You can't have your friend pick him up oh my gosh how thirsty are you!?!

This threw me off so badly, I said the next excuse that popped into my head.

"My cousin needs me to help her sew a dress."

** face palm **

".. Sew a dress?"

"Yep."

"Right now?"

"Yes, right now."

HAH! Bet your friend can't sew dresses. 

"Okay, I guess we can leave."

Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Thank you.

To my credit, my cousin was sewing a dress for a wedding that day. So, it was true-ish.

The ride home was probably the most awkward experience of my life because he tried to hold my hand. Holy heck, dude. What part of this date made you think I wanted physical touch from you? Good Gracious. I GAVE ZERO SIGNALS FOR YOU TO TOUCH ME. ZERO. I SAID I WOULD RATHER SEW MY COUSIN'S DRESS THAN CONTINUE THIS DATE.

Make-out guy, unfortunately, was pretty scarring for me. I felt like I needed to take a shower and was disgusted with the thought of going on another date for several days. But. You gotta get back on the horse. Gotta play the game if you want to win.

So, I bucked up and carried on.