Oh, Murderer Guy. You cheeky you.
I met Murderer Guy at the Liberty Square hot tub. Classic. He told me he would take me on a date to go horseback riding. Sounds pleasant and free of certain death, yes? No no. No.
Murderer Guy picked me up and took me to his grandfather's ranch. We saddled up some horses and started our pleasant little trot across the tall, grassy plains. All was free of killer-like scenarios until we came upon an abandoned, bashed in house. Part of the roof was collapsed, the windows were broken, and there was graffiti on some of the walls. Sounds like the perfect setting for a first date. Wait a second. No it does not. Not even a little bit.
It looked much like the photo above -- one of those houses you pass by on road trips and chuckle as you say to your friends, "Hey, that looks like a house you'd get murdered in!"
So we pulled up to this house and my date got off his horse and tied him up, implying that we were going to go near this house that screamed STAY AWAY FROM ME: I HOUSE KILLERS. Ask me why he wanted to get closer to this house. Go on, ask me. Because he's a psychopath. Also, I don't know why. These kinds of places are EXACTLY the kinds of places I strategize my entire life around avoiding. (i.e. I will not live in small towns or Rosewood, PA because of these houses)
My date then told me that he wanted to give me a tour. He told me it was an Abandoned Polygamy House. And if you know my feelings about polygamy, you know that this was probably the least inviting thing he could have possibly said. #ihatepolygamy
We walked up the rickety porch and he began to give me a tour. A few rooms in, I noticed a 6 X 3 foot pit in the middle of the floor leading down to a concrete cellar. At that moment, I saw my life as if I was watching it third person. As the opening scenes of a Lifetime movie where an innocent college girl goes on a date with a charming stranger and ends up being held in a concrete cellar of an abandoned polygamy house for 6 months and experiences a fate worse than death.
I suddenly became aware of the fact that I really didn't know this man at all and I didn't have any friends that knew him either. Then, I realized how easy it would be for him to kill me or something. I stayed a good 10 feet away from him for the entire "tour" of his favorite little date spot.
After what seemed like 7 years, he suggested we ride back to the stables. At this moment, I began one of the worst allergy attacks I've ever had in my life. My nose started getting watery, my throat got itchy, my eyes got watery AND itchy, my back was itchy. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I felt like the woman on the Claritin commercial before she gets Claritin Clear and also if she was puffy and itchy and miserable. I did my best to use my shirt sleeves to mop up all of the liquids that were streaming out of my face while we drove the 1624234 miles back to Provo.
At one point during the drive hime, he asked with irritation, "Do you want me to pull over and get some allergy medicine or something?"
Not if you're going to use THAT tone, buddy. I pridefully said no and counted down the seconds until the end of this date.
I'd like to say that was the last I saw of Murderer guy, but somehow he became friends with my friends, and we all stayed the night in his cabin a few months later. He made no acknowledgement to our date or to the fact that he was a murderer, and Maddie and I feared for our lives the whole time.
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