The Bad Date Chronicles: Card Trick Guy

Many of my friends have told me that I should write a book comprised of all of my worst date stories.  Yes, there are that many and yes, they are that bad. One day, I will show my husband these stories and say LOOK AT WHAT I DID FOR YOU!!!!! But I'm not bitter.

Since a printed book wouldn't make a lot of sense until I have children, I've decided to post them on this blog in installments.

For those of you who are new to my tales of dating woe, all bad dates get a title. Some to look forward to include Card Trick Guy, Naked Man, Staredown Guy, and Murderer Guy, to name a few.

DISCLAIMER: I'm mostly not friends with any of these men on social media, but if any of you find yourselves in these stories, don't be mad. I'm sure you're a wonderful child of God, but that date was awful.

I now present for your viewing pleasure, the Bad Date Chronicles. 

Chapter 1: Card Trick Guy

Once upon a time, I was shopping at the BYU creamery with my roommate, Emory. It was the first game day of my Freshman year, and Emory and I were decked out in BYU gear, and we looked dang cute. In the checkout line, I saw a dashingly handsome, tall, dark stranger. I dropped something to get his attention and started a conversation. He asked for my number and asked me on a date for the following week. Wow, you're thinking. Impressive. Stop. Don't be impressed. Just wait.

Side-note: this is literally the only time that move has ever worked, and, given what you're about to read, I don't think I'll use it again.

For the date, he picked me up and took me to the Canon center. We walked to the entrance and stood outside the doors where he handed me a stack of flyers and told me we were going to pass them out to students to advertise for his business (which was throwing parties. Winner, this one.). I thought this was a strange date activity and could be categorized as unpaid labor. He made sure to mention to me that he liked to have pretty girls with him when he passed out flyers every week.. Well don't I feel special.

To "reward" me for all of my hard work, he took me to Sonic and we ate ice cream slushes while talking about our backgrounds. His mannerisms gave me this weird feeling like they were rehearsed. He seemed like he was on autopilot.

We walked back to his car and stopped by the trunk. He pulled out a deck of cards and started showing me magic tricks. Now it's very important at this point in the story to remember that I was a naive freshman who had never been on a date with a cute college boy. Alright, let's continue. He did several tricks and then started one where all of the cards were facing wrong directions.

"If you want them to go back the right way, you have to kiss me."- him

"Heh. Heh. No, that's okay." - Me

"No really, it won't work unless you kiss me." - him

"Heh.. I don't think so." - Me

"Come on!! It won't work unless you kiss me" -him

** Now, I felt very trapped, so I kissed him on the cheek very quickly **

He thought for a moment and then said, "No that didn't work." Then he waited with his face pointed directly at mine. I very quickly pecked him on the lips and WOW THE MAGIC TRICK WORKED OH MY GOSH ITS REAL MAGIC WOW YOU ARE SUCH A COOL GUY. Honestly, what kind of person cons Freshman girls into kissing him by using card tricks. HONESTLY.

And that was my first kiss.

Flash forward to the next semester and he texted me, wanting to meet and catch up. I hadn't talked to him since our date, thinking that he wasn't the best guy, but I considered that maybe I had judged him to harshly. I agreed to meet up for hot chocolate, but said I was too busy for anything else.

We got to Denny's and he was the perfect gentleman. He was dressed up, asked me about myself, and seemed to be much nicer this time.

And then he pulled out a deck of cards.

"These tricks are familiar!" - Me

"What?" - him

"I've seen these tricks before; you did them on our last date." -Me

** blank stare **

"On our date? In October?" - Me

".. I've never taken you on a date before. " - him

"Yes.. you have. We passed out flyers and then got ice cream.." - Me

"Uh.. I don't remember that at all." - him

** more blank stares **

"Welp. We can leave now." - Me

And that is the story of the man who kissed me and then forgot about the whole thing in a matter of weeks.
This lets you know just how many times he had done this little routine. My feeling of him being rehearsed was spot on. Spot. On. I later had a friend who went out with him several times and on about date 5, forgot her name.

Update: He is married now. That was the most humbling marriage I have ever found out about.