The Bad Date Chronicles: Pregnant Lady

It's been too long! Sorry. Well. Actually, I'm not. Because this means that I haven't gone on a date in the last two months terrible enough to tell hundreds of people about. Hah! Haha. TAKE THAT.

Speaking of.. can we have a moment and think about how great this is?? I don't want to jinx myself, but it's been very nice to come home from dates and NOT feel the need to vomit, shower twice, or spend seven hours contemplating how you're going to make the next 10-20 single years super fun.

Good job, men of Provo. You're learning. Or you're just afraid to do stupid things around me, now. I'll take either. #blessed

I can't say I'm sad about the lack of awfulness.. But I don't want the entertainment to end, should this dry spell of bad dates continue. So! I'm now going to be taking submissions for The Bad Date Chronicles. Tell me your worst date stories! And if they're terrible enough for hundreds of people to laugh at with you, I'll put them up on the blog.  I may throw in some commentary, just for cohesiveness ;), and I won't use anyone's real names. Only my perfectly encapsulated code names. Send em to my Facebook inbox, please! To start things off, here's a gem from my one of my uncles:

Pregnant Lady

This was the creepiest picture of a pregnant belly I could find.

My uncle had just gotten back from his mission and was new to the dating game. His sister had a friend she wanted to set him up with. My uncle was fresh, as we call it in the Mormon world. Meaning that since he had just gotten home from his mission, he was probably awkward and afraid of women. There's a look of sheer terror that never seems to leave their eyes.. (at least not for 6 months).

It's pretty funny, actually. Mention the words "marriage" or "career" and they start laughing nervously and mumble something about taking generals and having fun. The little cutie patooties.

For those of you who aren't a part of Mormon culture, boys go on missions for 2 years after high school in which they don't interact with women in a romantic sense. I mean, that's not the PURPOSE of the mission, but it's a side effect. They come home and are then expected to begin dating "for marriage."
No more practice dates. No more prelims. This is the REAL DEAL. Playing for keeps. Eternity is at stake. And most of them are a little freaked out by this..  some are really over-eager.. but most are freaked out. And the poor souls are not even 21 years old.

Anyway, now you have context. My newly-returned uncle went to the blind date's door and knocked. A few seconds later, a woman 6 months pregnant opened the door.. And they left on their date.

He was unsure how to proceed. What do you talk about?

"SO! How'd THAT get there??"

... Probs shouldn't talk about that. That's.. no. Let's steer clear of talking about how the growing tiny human got implanted in your date's stomach.

"Can I feel it kick?"

".. Does it hurt?"

"How's that morning sickness treatin ya?..."

"So was it a boyfriend? A drunken fling?? An "accident"? ... Haha.."

"Man, that's gonna hurt coming out!"

Also nopes. There's a baby-sized elephant in the room and not really anything you can do about it. Try to think of a question related to a pregnant date that doesn't end horribly. Go ahead, I'll wait.
You can't, can you?

I don't know what my uncle and the pregnant lady did on their date (I think it was just dinner. She obviously didn't partake of the wine menu..  hahaha man, I crack myself up.) but after it was over, he dropped her off at her parent's house and started to drive away.

As he left the neighborhood, he noticed a man standing in the middle of the road a few feet away from a car. My uncle figured he was drunk and slowly drove past him. The man friggin PUNCHED my uncle's car as he drove by. Uncle stopped the car, rolled down the window, and yelled,

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT??"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?!" the Possibly Drunk Man yelled.

"WHO AM I?! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!" Uncle yelled back. (This uncle is not one to be trifled with, if you can't tell. He could take you out.)

"THAT'S MY WIFE!!!" P.D.M. yelled.

Uncle slammed on the gas and got the heck outta dodge. P.D.M. leaped into his car and started CHASING AFTER him, but Uncle is a stud so he lost P.D.M. My uncle later found out that this charming, polite **sarcasm** gentleman was the father of the baby and had a restraining order, so could not approach the nice preggo lady's house..

In the words of my uncle, "My days of dating gestational hotties were over."

The things we do for love..

Have at it, folks. Let's see your worst :).