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| This is probably what his face looks like when he's working his magic. Or it could be everyone's response to his "magic". |
The Face Whisperer got my friend's phone number from someone ELSE'S church directory. He was shoppin in a new store. Checkin the menu at a different restaurant. Apparently the pickings in his own orchard were less than.
K I'm done with the metaphors. I don't know why I felt the need to have three. But there.. There are three.
The double date started with making homemade pizzas with another couple.
Another couple who is seriously dating. (I think you'd agree that few things are worse than being on a first date with a couple that is almost married. They're always so blasted in love and happy and touchy and you're just over there like.. So where do you go to school. Yeah. K lets keep making small talk while they caress each other in the back seat. What choice do we have; we definitely aren't at the caressing-level yet. That's a pretty high level.)
Back to the pizza.
According to my friend, "Any pizza date just sucks. It never tastes as good as a real pizza. And who wants to make pizza out of a box?! We can all just go buy Luncheables and it will take a lot less time."
.... But she's not bitter... hah. (yes she is.) Pizza is great.
Anyway, Face Whisperer wouldn't let my friend help make the pizzas. The only thing she was allowed to do was open the can of tomato sauce. As they talked about their lives in a classic Q and A, 20 questions-style interview (the kind that happens when you're not enjoying the date), my friend shared that she does gymnastics and really enjoys it. Her date responded by saying, "Oh, cool! On my mission, I had an investigator that really loved gymnastics, and he told me that I would marry someone with a gymnast's body."
Uh huh.
He went on to tell her about how he lives with his parents **ding-ding**...[red flag]... and has a very rebellious group of friends **ding-ding**.....[second red flag]..... He likes to spend time with them so that he can be a good influence, but they end up rubbing off on him, and then he does things he regrets. But he's going to keep hanging out with them because he hopes that one day, he will be a good influence on them.
Right.
Maybe it's just me but those convictions sound a little weak.
Meanwhile, the almost-marrieds were slow dancing in the living room.
The Face Whisperer then sat my friend down and told her that he read a book about how you can tell a lot about someone's personality based on their facial structure.
"For a while, I would go up to people in parking lots and tell them about their personalities just based on what their faces look like! They were always really surprised by it."
I don't doubt it.
I think it's safe to say anyone would be surprised if someone ran up to them in a parking lot and said, "You have big teeth! Big teeth means bad communicator!!!!"
Don't do that to people. People have enough going on in their lives without worrying about strangers using their faces -- which they're probably already insecure about -- to tell them about their personality flaws that they are also probably already insecure about. GEESH.
I'm sure you're dying to know what this psychic of faciality said to my friend.
Here you go. This really happened.
"Hmm.. Yes, can you tilt your chin to the left? .. Uh huh. Your nose reveals that you can be stubborn and that you like to get your way."
"Okay, raise your neck a bit. Yep. The size of your ears means that you're bad at managing money."
** moves close to my friend's face to get a better view and shuffles around for various angles **
"The distance between your eyes means that you're horrible at making decisions."
"Your jaw structure means that you're too judgmental. You form opinions about people before you get to know them."
As you can imagine, my friend was weak at the knees by this point and was having to restrain herself from pouncing on him and kissing his sweet little romantic face -- which probably would have indicated an incredible lack of self-awareness and a talent for monstrous impertinence.
In the words of Lizzie Bennett, "You have insulted me in every possible way and can now have nothing further to say."
OH but it wasn't over. The Face Whisperer wanted to show my friend some.....CARD TRICKS!!!!!...
** GASPS ** **FAINTING** **SHOCKED WHISPERS** ** KNIFE STABBING**
(If you're lost as to why card tricks illicit such a dramatic response, click Here.)
After some card tricks -- I'm not even going to say anything about that because I'm
To this, he responded with, "I hope I didn't scare you off, and that we can still go on more dates with each other!"
..
SO! If you really want a girl to go out with you again, point out strong features on her face and then insult her personality. Girls love that.
Just kidding. They don't.
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