MODESTY: Does it Matter?

Modesty.


Settle in. I've been ruminating on this one for months.

Lately, I've seen friends and family post opinions from one end of the spectrum (i.e. modesty in dress doesn't matter at all) to the other (i.e. why am I seeing women wear shorts 4 inches above their knees and where are their CAP SLEEVES?).

One of the greatest poisons that permeates LDS Church culture is righteousness measuring, or as I like to call it, pulling out The Righteous Meter. Righteous Meters are easy ways for church members to judge (key word) whether or not someone else is keeping the commandments following the rules. I draw this distinction because commandments are kept in ways that are difficult to judge from a glance, while rule-following is easily measured. I can't, for example, glance at someone and tell whether or not they're praying, reading their scriptures, or loving and serving others. But I can quite easily glance at someone and tell you right away if they're following "the rules" of modest dress set out by the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet.

Quickly scanning another member's clothes for a garment line and then drawing a conclusion about that person's standing with God based on whether or not you can find one, is another common Righteous Meter. I'm not coming at this from a "holier than thou" or an "I would never stoop so low" perspective. I used to be The World's Biggest Modesty Stickler. Growing up, I wore bermuda shorts every summer and never owned a tank top. I bought my homecoming and prom dresses in Utah so that they had sleeves and appropriate neck/back lines, and I turned my nose up at every Mormon girl not doing the same. I drew a DIRECT correlation between the length of a girl's sleeves/shorts to her righteousness and willingness to follow the commandments.

Having gone 10 years further into my life and actually seen whether or not I was right about my assumptions connecting modest dress with strength in the Gospel, I can say with confidence: I was completely wrong. Modest dress, as we like to define it in the Church, has nothing to do with righteousness. If anything, I was far less righteous for judging other girls than they were for not having long shorts and sleeves on their tops.


The definition of modesty:

I can (and will) go on about my opinions on the topic, but let's first jump to some facts. Here is the definition of modesty as defined by Google:

   Noun.
a. the quality or state of being unassuming or moderate in the estimation of one's abilities
b. the quality of being relatively moderate, limited, or small in amount, rate, or level
c. behavior, manner, or appearance intended to avoid impropriety or indecency

   Dictionary.com:
1. the quality of being modest; freedom from vanity, boastfulness, etc.
2. regard for decency of behavior, speech, dress, etc.
3. simplicity; moderation

If these definitions aren't sufficient because they didn't come from the Church, I'll humor you:
     "Modesty is an attitude of propriety and decency in dress, grooming, language, and behavior. If we are modest, we do not draw undue attention to ourselves. Instead, we seek to 'glorify God in [our] body, and in [our] spirit.'" 

You'll notice modesty in dress is only mentioned briefly in these definitions. The core of modesty is to focus on "glorifying God" and not to focus on what you're wearing or even on YOU at all.


Have we been focusing on the easy Righteous Meter instead of applying the true principle?

(That's rhetorical, but I'm just going to jump in here and say YES, WE HAVE!)

The biggest point I want to make is that we have become pharisaic in our insistence of certain arbitrary dress standards that have changed before and will probably change again. This misplaced focus has diminished the true meaning of modesty and instead replaced it with an ugly judgmental attitude rampant throughout the Church.

The Pharisees wanted to keep the Sabbath Day holy. A righteous desire! To help them do this, they established a series of rules including a set number of steps you could walk, items you could and could not touch, etc. Sound familiar? (I'll help. Number of inches above your knee where your skirt should end. Whether or not a portion of your shoulder is visible.) When Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath, they chastised him for breaking the Sabbath Day. But what is the purpose of the Sabbath Day? To glorify God, worship him, rest, and serve His children! Jesus was fulfilling the higher law of the Sabbath Day and more importantly, the true purpose of the gospel, though he was breaking "the rules." President Nelson recently re-focused the Church on the true meaning of the Sabbath Day, saying, "I learned from the scriptures that my conduct and my attitude on the Sabbath constituted a sign between me and my Heavenly Father.. I no longer needed lists of dos and don'ts."

The parallel to modesty is quite clear. Like Sabbath Day Observance, Modesty is a righteous principle. Dress standards are meant to help us accomplish part of what it means to be modest. But if we skirt-measure, become judging and unkind, and draw conclusions about other people's faith and righteousness, are we not completely missing the point? Just like the Pharisees, are we not ignoring the true meaning and purpose of modesty? Do we overlook someone's good works because we are too busy shaking our heads at her outfit?

     1 Samuel 16:7, "for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."

What if we stop being so concerned about what everyone is wearing and instead put that energy towards loving and serving others? If you must judge, at least judge people for their characters (their ACTIONS in the lives) and not something so frivolous and meaningless as how much of their chests/backs/legs/shoulders are visible in their outfits.

Applying the principle of the Sabbath Day to the Modesty topic, the higher law would be, "What are you communicating with your speech, attitude, and appearance?" If this is the higher law, lists of dos and don'ts are no longer needed, and individuals may have different interpretations applying that principle. 


Modesty in Scripture:

Being modest is to avoid boastfulness, pride, attention-seeking, and indecency. Dress certainly is one of the ways you can be modest or immodest, but I would argue that it is only a small portion of true modesty.

(I could also argue that it's "drawing undue attention" to wear weird shorts that are way longer than your friends' shorts and not worn by anyone in your age group, but I know y'all won't go for that, so forget it.)

Let's look for some scriptural references to modesty.

     1. Timothy 2:9 - "In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with brioded hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array,"
   
     2. Mormon 8:36 - "And I know that ye do walk in the pride of your hearts; and there are none save only a few who do not lift themselves up in the pride of their hearts, unto the wearing of very fine apparel, unto envying, and strifes, and malice, and persecutions, and all manner of iniquities; and your churches, yea even every one have become polluted because of the pride of your hearts."

The Timothy verse is the most detailed scripture regarding dress, but there are at least 10 others, all referencing pride and wearing "costly apparel" (reference). It's interesting that Timothy mentions "modest apparel" and clarifies by saying, "not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array" instead of, "not with bare shoulders or upper legs."

I could not find a single scripture that referenced modesty in dress as it pertains to showing more or less skin. ALL scriptural references to dress are about avoiding "costly apparel" and not being prideful about fine clothing. Perhaps true immodesty in dress is actually showing off expensive clothes, not showing shoulders. The scriptures would certainly lead us to believe so.


But isn't it important to be respectful of others and yourself by not showing off a lot of skin? Yes. This is where I subscribe to the "wear what is appropriate for the occasion" philosophy. If you are going to a professional office, it is absolutely inappropriate and immodest to wear a miniskirt and a tank top. It draws "undue attention" and is "indecent" in that setting. But can you wear a miniskirt and tank top to a barbecue in July? Sure! In that setting, it would neither be indecent nor draw undue attention, because in our current time and society, that is a normal and appropriate outfit to wear to a barbecue. Can you wear a bikini to that barbecue? No, that would be indecent and would draw undue attention. Can you wear a bikini to the beach? Yes! In today's time and society, a bikini is a normal and appropriate swimwear option. You get the point.

I am not advising anyone to go out and buy the skimpiest bikini you can find. That would indeed be seeking "undue attention," right? I am instead pointing out that it's time for us to re-think how we view modesty as a whole and to allow people to make choices based on their consciences and the true meaning of modesty instead of a list of rules that can quickly become outdated and requires no earnest thought. For example, since bikinis are accepted, even traditional standards of swimwear in 2019, some styles could be worn modestly while there are certainly some other bikinis - and one pieces! - that would be indecent and immodest. It's all about thoughtfully applying principles.


But the Lord's standards never change! Yes they do. In the 1965 version of the For The Strength of Youth pamphlet, it states, "Pants for young women are not desirable attire for shopping, at school, in the library, or in cafeterias or restaurants." Pants. Wearing pants was called out as inappropriate for women. That was only 54 years ago. Also, let's not forget that the temple garment used to be ankle and wrist length. The "Lord's" standards do change. They have always changed, and frankly, it's probably time they change again.

In the 1800s, if a woman were to walk down the street in a knee length skirt, I cannot imagine the horror that would ensue from passers by. How disgusting! How indecent! Who raised her?? Even baring an ankle was a risque, attention-seeking move. However, now a knee length skirt is considered incredibly conservative and bare ankles are negligible. As the world's perception of calf and knee length skirts shifted, so did the Church's. Now, it's time to accept that that shift is happening again.

Some might argue that the Church should go contrary to the world's standards. This fight against the world has more to do with laws, covenants, and actual real doctrine, not something as variable and temporary as dress norms.

In today's world, it's not edgy or risque to wear mid-thigh shorts or dresses. It's not indecent or attention-seeking to wear a tank top. Just the other day, I was watching a video of a woman talking about her summer wardrobe and she said, "I love these shorts because they cover a lot and they're modest." They were mid-to-upper thigh length. All of my very conservative, modest, Christian friends growing up wore short shorts and tank tops though they were not the kinds of girls to seek attention through their clothing. And they weren't seeking attention. They were dressing for the seasons and occasions. As we all should.

Now, in 2019, indecent clothing would probably be showing extreme cleavage or part of a butt.


But if the people won't even follow small rules, how can they follow the big commandments? Oh man, how I wish it was this simple. How I wish that if you just wore knee-length skirts, you'd never have an issue with the law of chastity. How I wish that if you never drank coffee, you'd never be tempted to steal or lie or cheat. In theory, this "small rules = big commandments" idea sounds great. In actuality, it is a gross oversimplification. I could give you example after example of "good girls" who dressed modestly and still had trouble with sexual boundaries. Small rules do not equal big rules. Sure, maybe it's beneficial to practice obedience and acting in faith on arbitrary rules that don't really matter, but bottom line - it's not the same.


But we must protect the men's thoughts! Many others have covered this, but I'll just reiterate real quick: it is not a woman's responsibility or within her power to control a man's thoughts. Men must take accountability for their own thoughts and actions. Part of that thought control is not over-sexualizing the female body. Breasts are functional body parts for the feeding of babies. Butts are for sitting on and expelling waste. Legs, for walking. Now, more than ever, people have access to pornography and the sexualization and objectification of the female body, for free, whenever they want, at the click of a button. All of the effort towards getting women to change their dress should be directed at helping our men (and women) navigate technology and the actual world without falling into the trap of pornography-led thought patterns and behavior. Women's only responsibility in this as it pertains to dress is the same as men's responsibility: to dress in a way that is appropriate for the environment and the occasion and to apply the principle of modesty in a way that feels right to them.


But it's a commandment! No it's not. There are laws of God, then there are doctrines, then there are principles, then there are applications of principles. Rules of dress are an application of a principle.


But garments! Garments are a whole other blog post, but I'll only address it here by saying that it's not anyone's business how anyone else chooses to wear their reminder of their covenants, and garments fit everyone differently. Why is it okay to ask people what underwear they're wearing or to try to see for yourself? Why do you want to know? So you can judge their standing in the Church?

This brings me to my final point: we have bigger fish to fry, folks. Seriously. Stop the skirt-measuring and garment-scanning and let's focus on raising a generation of children and adults than can navigate this world with good moral values, treat others with love, and serve God and their families. That's what matters.

The Very Best Date

Hello!

I have some very exciting news to share and I thought this would be a fun way to announce it. All of you have stuck with me through the very worst dates I've experienced, so I feel like I should tie up the saga with a happy one. That is also true.

This is a long story. If you don't care about the story, just scroll through to the pictures.

ONCE upon a time, I was sitting in Institute (a Wednesday night bible study class), and I was scoping out the room for hot guys. Because why else do people go to Institute? Kidding.

There were about 60 people in the room, and one particularly tall, dark, handsome man in a green sweater caught my attention. I thought to myself, "He is the only guy in here I would go out with." So, in true girl fashion, I decided I would try to make eye contact with him, and if he didn't look at me and immediately rush over and ask me out, I would conclude that he was not interested. And he did not.

Anyway, six months later, I was called to be an Institute Class President, which is pretty much a fancy way of saying Glorified Person Who Sets Up Chairs Before Class. At this time, the mysterious handsome stranger was the teacher of said class (which just happened to be Christlike Relationships.) We exchanged a few pleasantries, but never really talked.

(I later found out that this was because "his slots were all full," as he so nicely puts it. In other words, he was already dating someone. Or several someones.)

But then! He told me I looked nice one day. I said thank you. Then he corrected himself and said that I looked nice every day. Something had changed.. Apparently a slot had opened up.

(He also had been reading this blog!)

Finally, one evening after Institute, he came up to me and we started chatting. He said that we should hang out sometime and asked for my number. As you all know, this time of my life I was a little teensy bit cynical about dating and was all prepped and ready to call him "Institute Guy" or whatever other nickname he earned. In reality, he has earned the nickname of Mr. Darcy for all of the obvious reasons.

Our first date on January 30th, 2016 was a short little hot chocolate date at Guru's. We chatted for about an hour and a half, and I told my roommates that night that I was "not NOT interested." (Read: thinking about being interested) My roommates were very impressed. This was an uncommon reaction! He was very gentlemanly, had intelligent conversation, and was very handsome.

Several dates (not days) later, we watched a movie at his place and he kissed me at my doorstep :). By this time, I was very intrigued with the funny, mysterious man that seemed to always keep his cool.

Throughout our early courtship, Ryan was a PRO at all things dating. I wouldn't call it "playing games" but he definitely didn't lay his cards out there either. He would give me just enough to keep me on the hook.. We would have a great date, he'd text me a few times, and then go silent for 2-3 days. The very MINUTE I would dramatically despair to my roommates that he wasn't interested, he would text me. Then I would laugh hysterically and say everything was fine. **face palm** This happened more than once.

On Valentine's Day, he showed up at my apartment with a rose and box of chocolates. My dear, sweet roommate, Sherlynn, burst into tears she was so touched that Ryan had so far been kind and sweet to me.

We continued to date for a few months and on April 15th, he FINALLY asked me to be his girlfriend. (You'll notice that the word "finally" shows a few times in this story. Patience is a constant battle for me.)

I had been trying to keep an open mind in case he decided to reject me. I was forcing myself to still go on other dates and trying not to be one-track minded, even though he had pretty much won me over completely..

The night Ryan asked me to be his girlfriend also happened to be the day that I had agreed to fly to Colorado for a date with an old friend. Whoops. He's never let me live that one down.

After a few months more, Ryan took me to meet his parents (who are pretty much the loveliest people I've ever met) and to California on his family vacation. I completely fell in love with his family and even more in love with him.

Thanksgiving we spent with his family in Idaho; Christmas we flew to Arkansas and spent with mine.

On Christmas morning, we exchanged letters. In his, he told me that I would need my gift to "fit in" where we were going in the next few weeks.. I opened the bag and there were Minnie Mouse ears in it!!! WE WERE GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!

A few weeks later, Ryan and I walked into the gates of Disneyland and IMMEDIATELY, Cinderella walked by!! We continued up to the castle, and while we were taking pictures by the castle, he stepped away from me and..

He got down on one knee and proposed! :D We then went to Disneyland's City Hall, got some "Happily Ever After" buttons - and 3 complimentary fast passes #perks- , and continued the most magical day of my life. The weather was perfect, we went on all the rides we wanted, the food was wonderful, and my ring was super sparkly! Look!

In conclusion, Ryan is the very best person I have ever known in every category. There is no one I have met with such kindness, humor, work ethic, balance, faith, patience, love, and every other good thing. He treats me better than I ever could have imagined, and he's just awesome. I am so excited and blessed to get to marry him.

All of the bad dates were worth it.

Yay!

We're engaged!!!

The Bad Date Chronicles: Homeowner UPDATE

If you missed Part 1 or need a refresher, click here.

^^My face for the rest of church after this little episode.

Why is there an update? There shouldn't be anything to add to that.

I agree.

But LO AND BEHOLD I was running late into church one day and the Homeowner grabbed my friend's shoulder and said he needed to talk to the girl in the pink (me, that's me). So my friend grabbed me just as I had entered the chapel, and I turned around to see someone I had not planned on encountering ever again.

My first thought was, "Dang it. He found the blog."

^ This would not have been the first time someone has found a post written about them..
I reap what I sow. I'm okay with it.

The first time it happened, it ended really well. The guy I wrote about thought it was funny, apologized for making me uncomfortable, and then sent it to his fiance so they could laugh about it together. Good sport, that one.

The second time it happened, he denied everything that happened on the date (even though there were witnesses) and really really did not take it well. Sorry, dude.

Anyway, I thought I was in for round 3 of confrontations, but instead he said, "Where do I know you from?"

OH good grief. He was playing dumb. OR I have once again made so minuscule of an impression that he ACTUALLY forgot about the whole thing. Could be either one.

"What was your name again?" - Me.   If he's gonna play dumb, I can too.

"The Homeowner" - I'm not gonna actually say his name. I'm not that mean.

"OH right. We went on a date once!" - Me

"Where?" - Him

"Macaroni Grill." - Me

"Oh, with the fireplace?" -Him

"Yes!" - Me

"Why didn't we go out again?" - Him

... really. You don't remember that heated (in a bad way) text exchange.. Alright, I'll remind you.

"I wasn't interested." - Me

"I make more money than your dad." -Him

..

Uh.. Excuse me? Wait. WHAT did you just say?
Is that like... a pickup line??? Is that supposed to make me want you?

"Um... " - Me

"Like a LOT more." - Him

OHkay.... WHERE do you get off?!?!?!?!

"Welp. That's not all there is!" - Me (that was the best I could come up with.. I know. I know.)

"Haha. Alright, see ya." - Him.. He then playfully slapped my arm and walked away.

I'm not good at coming up with biting responses on the spot. But if I could go back, I probably would have said something more like,  
"You are a huge jack***."

Anyway. I thought yall would want to hear this little tidbit.

Until next time.

Happy dating.
Haha. Like that's a thing.
Just kidding. I'm sure it is sometimes. Like, the one time it works. I'm sure that's nice.

The Bad Date Chronicles: The Face Whisperer

This submission is from a long lost friend of mine..

This is probably what his face looks like when he's working his magic. Or it could be everyone's response to his "magic".

The Face Whisperer got my friend's phone number from someone ELSE'S church directory. He was shoppin in a new store. Checkin the menu at a different restaurant. Apparently the pickings in his own orchard were less than.

K I'm done with the metaphors. I don't know why I felt the need to have three. But there.. There are three.

The double date started with making homemade pizzas with another couple.

Another couple who is seriously dating. (I think you'd agree that few things are worse than being on a first date with a couple that is almost married. They're always so blasted in love and happy and touchy and you're just over there like.. So where do you go to school. Yeah. K lets keep making small talk while they caress each other in the back seat. What choice do we have; we definitely aren't at the caressing-level yet. That's a pretty high level.)

Back to the pizza.

According to my friend, "Any pizza date just sucks. It never tastes as good as a real pizza. And who wants to make pizza out of a box?! We can all just go buy Luncheables and it will take a lot less time."

.... But she's not bitter... hah. (yes she is.) Pizza is great.

Anyway, Face Whisperer wouldn't let my friend help make the pizzas. The only thing she was allowed to do was open the can of tomato sauce. As they talked about their lives in a classic Q and A, 20 questions-style interview (the kind that happens when you're not enjoying the date), my friend shared that she does gymnastics and really enjoys it. Her date responded by saying, "Oh, cool! On my mission, I had an investigator that really loved gymnastics, and he told me that I would marry someone with a gymnast's body."

Uh huh.

He went on to tell her about how he lives with his parents   **ding-ding**...[red flag]...   and has a very rebellious group of friends   **ding-ding**.....[second red flag]..... He likes to spend time with them so that he can be a good influence, but they end up rubbing off on him, and then he does things he regrets. But he's going to keep hanging out with them because he hopes that one day, he will be a good influence on them.

Right.

Maybe it's just me but those convictions sound a little weak.

Meanwhile, the almost-marrieds were slow dancing in the living room.

The Face Whisperer then sat my friend down and told her that he read a book about how you can tell a lot about someone's personality based on their facial structure.

"For a while, I would go up to people in parking lots and tell them about their personalities just based on what their faces look like! They were always really surprised by it."

I don't doubt it.

I think it's safe to say anyone would be surprised if someone ran up to them in a parking lot and said, "You have big teeth! Big teeth means bad communicator!!!!"
Don't do that to people. People have enough going on in their lives without worrying about strangers using their faces -- which they're probably already insecure about -- to tell them about their personality flaws that they are also probably already insecure about. GEESH.

I'm sure you're dying to know what this psychic of faciality said to my friend.

Here you go. This really happened.

"Hmm.. Yes, can you tilt your chin to the left? .. Uh huh. Your nose reveals that you can be stubborn and that you like to get your way."

"Okay, raise your neck a bit. Yep. The size of your ears means that you're bad at managing money."

** moves close to my friend's face to get a better view and shuffles around for various angles **

"The distance between your eyes means that you're horrible at making decisions."

"Your jaw structure means that you're too judgmental. You form opinions about people before you get to know them."

As you can imagine, my friend was weak at the knees by this point and was having to restrain herself from pouncing on him and kissing his sweet little romantic face -- which probably would have indicated an incredible lack of self-awareness and a talent for monstrous impertinence.

In the words of Lizzie Bennett, "You have insulted me in every possible way and can now have nothing further to say."

OH but it wasn't over. The Face Whisperer wanted to show my friend some.....CARD TRICKS!!!!!...
** GASPS ** **FAINTING** **SHOCKED WHISPERS** ** KNIFE STABBING**

(If you're lost as to why card tricks illicit such a dramatic response, click Here.)

After some card tricks -- I'm not even going to say anything about that because I'm probably super jaded about card tricks -- the boy walked my friend home. At the door, he asked her on another date. She said she'd have to check her schedule.

To this, he responded with, "I hope I didn't scare you off, and that we can still go on more dates with each other!"

..

SO! If you really want a girl to go out with you again, point out strong features on her face and then insult her personality. Girls love that.

Just kidding.  They don't.

The Bad Date Chronicles: Pregnant Lady

It's been too long! Sorry. Well. Actually, I'm not. Because this means that I haven't gone on a date in the last two months terrible enough to tell hundreds of people about. Hah! Haha. TAKE THAT.

Speaking of.. can we have a moment and think about how great this is?? I don't want to jinx myself, but it's been very nice to come home from dates and NOT feel the need to vomit, shower twice, or spend seven hours contemplating how you're going to make the next 10-20 single years super fun.

Good job, men of Provo. You're learning. Or you're just afraid to do stupid things around me, now. I'll take either. #blessed

I can't say I'm sad about the lack of awfulness.. But I don't want the entertainment to end, should this dry spell of bad dates continue. So! I'm now going to be taking submissions for The Bad Date Chronicles. Tell me your worst date stories! And if they're terrible enough for hundreds of people to laugh at with you, I'll put them up on the blog.  I may throw in some commentary, just for cohesiveness ;), and I won't use anyone's real names. Only my perfectly encapsulated code names. Send em to my Facebook inbox, please! To start things off, here's a gem from my one of my uncles:

Pregnant Lady

This was the creepiest picture of a pregnant belly I could find.

My uncle had just gotten back from his mission and was new to the dating game. His sister had a friend she wanted to set him up with. My uncle was fresh, as we call it in the Mormon world. Meaning that since he had just gotten home from his mission, he was probably awkward and afraid of women. There's a look of sheer terror that never seems to leave their eyes.. (at least not for 6 months).

It's pretty funny, actually. Mention the words "marriage" or "career" and they start laughing nervously and mumble something about taking generals and having fun. The little cutie patooties.

For those of you who aren't a part of Mormon culture, boys go on missions for 2 years after high school in which they don't interact with women in a romantic sense. I mean, that's not the PURPOSE of the mission, but it's a side effect. They come home and are then expected to begin dating "for marriage."
No more practice dates. No more prelims. This is the REAL DEAL. Playing for keeps. Eternity is at stake. And most of them are a little freaked out by this..  some are really over-eager.. but most are freaked out. And the poor souls are not even 21 years old.

Anyway, now you have context. My newly-returned uncle went to the blind date's door and knocked. A few seconds later, a woman 6 months pregnant opened the door.. And they left on their date.

He was unsure how to proceed. What do you talk about?

"SO! How'd THAT get there??"

... Probs shouldn't talk about that. That's.. no. Let's steer clear of talking about how the growing tiny human got implanted in your date's stomach.

"Can I feel it kick?"

".. Does it hurt?"

"How's that morning sickness treatin ya?..."

"So was it a boyfriend? A drunken fling?? An "accident"? ... Haha.."

"Man, that's gonna hurt coming out!"

Also nopes. There's a baby-sized elephant in the room and not really anything you can do about it. Try to think of a question related to a pregnant date that doesn't end horribly. Go ahead, I'll wait.
You can't, can you?

I don't know what my uncle and the pregnant lady did on their date (I think it was just dinner. She obviously didn't partake of the wine menu..  hahaha man, I crack myself up.) but after it was over, he dropped her off at her parent's house and started to drive away.

As he left the neighborhood, he noticed a man standing in the middle of the road a few feet away from a car. My uncle figured he was drunk and slowly drove past him. The man friggin PUNCHED my uncle's car as he drove by. Uncle stopped the car, rolled down the window, and yelled,

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT??"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?!" the Possibly Drunk Man yelled.

"WHO AM I?! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!" Uncle yelled back. (This uncle is not one to be trifled with, if you can't tell. He could take you out.)

"THAT'S MY WIFE!!!" P.D.M. yelled.

Uncle slammed on the gas and got the heck outta dodge. P.D.M. leaped into his car and started CHASING AFTER him, but Uncle is a stud so he lost P.D.M. My uncle later found out that this charming, polite **sarcasm** gentleman was the father of the baby and had a restraining order, so could not approach the nice preggo lady's house..

In the words of my uncle, "My days of dating gestational hotties were over."

The things we do for love..

Have at it, folks. Let's see your worst :).

The Bad Date Chronicles: The Homeowner (AKA The 38-year-old)

An exaggeration of what my life would be like if I had married the Homeowner.

This one freaked me out on a number of levels. Tears were shed. Gasps were taken. It was a whole thing. But it started out very well.

I was walking to Sunday School at church, and as I entered the room, someone called my name from the hallway and said that a person out there needed me. I walked back into the hallway and was met by a tall, husky, bald man whom I had never met in my life.

"Hi. I just had to stop you or I'd regret it for the next 10 years."

Yeah you would. I knew I was having a good face day.

I didn't say that. I just said,
"Oh haha thanks!"

He proceeded to very rapidly show me pictures of his nieces, say lots of details about himself that I don't remember, and ask me out for the next night.

I went back into Sunday School and answered my roommates confused faces. Also, I feel like I need to mention that this gesture did not freak me out at all. It's very refreshing when men show confidence by seeing someone they want to ask out, and then doing it. So what if she says no? Now you KNOW she's not your wife and you didn't even have to spend money to find out.
Efficiency, my friends.

He picked me up for dinner the next night in the largest truck I have ever entered in my life. The cab could have held my whole bedroom. You could have stacked 5 of me in the seat and there still would have been room.. Anyway. Big truck.

During the drive, he told me about his software company that he was about to retire from in a few years. He had recently purchased (purchased) a huge condo and just wanted to travel the world with his future wife for the rest of time. From all of this and from other clues, I gathered that he was 15 years older than me, minimum. I also couldn't help but notice that he never asked me what my major was or what I wanted to do for a career. That made me feel kind of gross.. #trophywife

We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner where he made sure we got a table by the fire (He loves the finer things in life.) Then, he launched into this little number.

"So, what first sexually attracts you to someone?"

OHkay, buddy. Nope. Let's bring it down a little.

I hesitated, so he gave me suggestions, "Broad shoulders, height?"

"Yeah.. Yup."

Sure, dude. Just list off your own attributes.

He was actually right. But a full head of hair is added to that list. (I refrained from mentioning that little tidbit.)

Dinner was fine. He seemed a little bitter about his single status, but I could tell he had been through a lot of pain in past relationships.. Actually I couldn't tell; he told me a detailed history. Perhaps because of this, he was super intense. I was making most of the jokes just to get him to freakin relax a little.

In case you were wondering.. I don't like being the person cracking most of the jokes. It makes me feel like Jim Carrey.

After dinner, he took me to his new condo so he could show me the place and get my suggestions on paint colors and furniture decor. Wait, how long have you known this person? About one minute, thanks for asking. Apparently I come across as someone with excellent taste in bathroom tiles.

After the tour, he took me home and did a super weird doorstep scene. He went in for the hug and then PICKED ME UP. Like the kind of thing you see couples do after they get engaged. Um. Why did you pick me up, sir? What warranted that unsolicited action? And why does this step seem to be so difficult? Just don't vibrate, moan, or lift anyone and you're golden.

When I walked in the door to my apartment, I burst into tears. Not because of the hug. Because I was really sad for him. I cried into Sherlynn's lap for about 20 minutes. We had company over. They were freaked out and kept exchanging glances. Whatever, I cry sometimes a lot.

I honestly felt so terrible for him. It made me so sad to think about him being completely done with school, almost done with his career, a beautiful house in the making, and no one to share it with. I can't imagine doing this for 15 more years and accomplishing everything else I want to accomplish in life except the one thing that really matters. (That is not a challenge, God, please don't make me do this for 15 more years.)

A few days later, he texted me asking me if I'd like to fly to New York or San Francisco with him to see the ballet.

 It was one of those moments where I thought, Am I the weird one?? Do people usually fly to different states on the 2nd date??Have times changed??? 

I declined and said that it seemed a little forward for a 2nd date. His backup idea was to go indoor skydiving and then see Christmas lights.

Nope. I hate falling. Feels like death. So, I dropped the bomb. The following image is the actual text string. #evidence

In the words of Maddie, "NO IT DOESN'T!!!!!!"

...yes.. So. I didn't feel as bad for him after that.

Apparently the ENTIRE race of women wants "poor bad boys" because I didn't want to date the Homeowner. I think that's what we call a false causality.

Amen.

The Bad Date Chronicles: Make-Out Guy

No, I didn't make out with him.

It was kind of like this except it was absolutely nothing like this. Except for the truck and the blanket.

This was one of those dates where you come home and think, "Wow God, my husband better be literally perfect if I have to endure much more of this [crap]."

Make-out guy was another relative of a friend. He came into my office a few times to flirt, and then he asked me out on a date. How refreshing! He just asked you out and got 'er done. Yes, that's what I thought tool. Whoops! *Too.. don't know how I got confused there..

Mr. No-Last-Name (I still don't know his last name) was getting his graduate degree from the University of Utah and was at least 27 by my calculations. He told me he wanted to get ice cream and go find somewhere to talk. I told him that was my favorite first date! And it is. You get ice cream, you get to find out if you can tolerate the person's presence for any amount of time, and it can be as long or as short as you'd like.

Some people think first dates are big, exhausting extravaganzas. But they really shouldn't be. A first date should be kept under an hour and is only used to find out if 1. There is chemistry. and 2. You like talking to each other. Marathon Dates should be saved for dates 10-23,442. No one wants to dedicate 12 hours to someone you might absolutely hate spending time with or just hate as a person. Men don't always think this through because they get to choose who they ask out, but we women have to accept or reject what is offered to us and unless it is VERY clear that we are INTENSELY interested, there's no need for a Marathon Date.

Okay. So Mr. Make-Out picked me up in his truck, got us ice cream, and drove to the outskirts of the city to a "look-out point" in the very middle of absolutely nowhere. I noticed that I had no idea where I was or how to leave so. That's dangerous.

We went on a short walk around this no man's land while we ate our ice cream, and then I started to climb back into the cab of the truck.

"Oh, no, I set it up so we could sit in the back of the truck."

Ohhhh the BACK of the truck. Well at this point I didn't know a lot about dating, but I knew enough from country songs that the BACKS of trucks were places you broke the law of chastity.

To my utter chagrin, I looked in the back of the truck and saw an array of carefully spread out blankets and pillows.

Nope. No, sir. I don't know you at all. What the HELL makes you think I would enjoy something like this???? How hot do you think you are because, I'll tell ya, you're just alright.

I climbed into the back of the truck because "benefit of the doubt" and sat very straight up on the tool box ABOVE the blankets and pillows. He put his arm around me which was vastly un-called-for and I started asking him about his life. Eventually he coaxed me into sitting off of the tool box, but don't worry, I still stayed sitting up.

As the sun went down, I asked him literally every question I could think of. I thought it was odd that he wasn't really answering fully. His answers were like a few words at most. And he wasn't asking me anything at all. This had quickly turned into an interrogation. And he had negative desire to get to know me. Except in the biblical sense.

He clearly wanted to move on to other activities. And I super didn't want to.

While he was "re-arranging the pillows so they'll be more comfortable," I sent a quick text to my friend Chris saying something like "HELP. GET ME OUT OF THIS." (I had previously told Chris I wasn't sure how this date would go and would be contacting him if I required assistance.) Require assistance I did, and Chris, gem that he is, called me promptly.

I waited a few minutes and then said, "Sorry, someone's called me like 10 times. Let me make sure it's not an emergency."

I called Chris back and he told me he needed me to pick him up because his car had been towed. (GREAT job, Chris. Flawless. I forever love you for being such good friend when I needed you to be.)

Except my date said, "Oh, I'll have my friend pick him up."

WOW. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. No. You can't have your friend pick him up oh my gosh how thirsty are you!?!

This threw me off so badly, I said the next excuse that popped into my head.

"My cousin needs me to help her sew a dress."

** face palm **

".. Sew a dress?"

"Yep."

"Right now?"

"Yes, right now."

HAH! Bet your friend can't sew dresses. 

"Okay, I guess we can leave."

Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Thank you.

To my credit, my cousin was sewing a dress for a wedding that day. So, it was true-ish.

The ride home was probably the most awkward experience of my life because he tried to hold my hand. Holy heck, dude. What part of this date made you think I wanted physical touch from you? Good Gracious. I GAVE ZERO SIGNALS FOR YOU TO TOUCH ME. ZERO. I SAID I WOULD RATHER SEW MY COUSIN'S DRESS THAN CONTINUE THIS DATE.

Make-out guy, unfortunately, was pretty scarring for me. I felt like I needed to take a shower and was disgusted with the thought of going on another date for several days. But. You gotta get back on the horse. Gotta play the game if you want to win.

So, I bucked up and carried on.