The Bad Date Chronicles: Make-Out Guy

No, I didn't make out with him.

It was kind of like this except it was absolutely nothing like this. Except for the truck and the blanket.

This was one of those dates where you come home and think, "Wow God, my husband better be literally perfect if I have to endure much more of this [crap]."

Make-out guy was another relative of a friend. He came into my office a few times to flirt, and then he asked me out on a date. How refreshing! He just asked you out and got 'er done. Yes, that's what I thought tool. Whoops! *Too.. don't know how I got confused there..

Mr. No-Last-Name (I still don't know his last name) was getting his graduate degree from the University of Utah and was at least 27 by my calculations. He told me he wanted to get ice cream and go find somewhere to talk. I told him that was my favorite first date! And it is. You get ice cream, you get to find out if you can tolerate the person's presence for any amount of time, and it can be as long or as short as you'd like.

Some people think first dates are big, exhausting extravaganzas. But they really shouldn't be. A first date should be kept under an hour and is only used to find out if 1. There is chemistry. and 2. You like talking to each other. Marathon Dates should be saved for dates 10-23,442. No one wants to dedicate 12 hours to someone you might absolutely hate spending time with or just hate as a person. Men don't always think this through because they get to choose who they ask out, but we women have to accept or reject what is offered to us and unless it is VERY clear that we are INTENSELY interested, there's no need for a Marathon Date.

Okay. So Mr. Make-Out picked me up in his truck, got us ice cream, and drove to the outskirts of the city to a "look-out point" in the very middle of absolutely nowhere. I noticed that I had no idea where I was or how to leave so. That's dangerous.

We went on a short walk around this no man's land while we ate our ice cream, and then I started to climb back into the cab of the truck.

"Oh, no, I set it up so we could sit in the back of the truck."

Ohhhh the BACK of the truck. Well at this point I didn't know a lot about dating, but I knew enough from country songs that the BACKS of trucks were places you broke the law of chastity.

To my utter chagrin, I looked in the back of the truck and saw an array of carefully spread out blankets and pillows.

Nope. No, sir. I don't know you at all. What the HELL makes you think I would enjoy something like this???? How hot do you think you are because, I'll tell ya, you're just alright.

I climbed into the back of the truck because "benefit of the doubt" and sat very straight up on the tool box ABOVE the blankets and pillows. He put his arm around me which was vastly un-called-for and I started asking him about his life. Eventually he coaxed me into sitting off of the tool box, but don't worry, I still stayed sitting up.

As the sun went down, I asked him literally every question I could think of. I thought it was odd that he wasn't really answering fully. His answers were like a few words at most. And he wasn't asking me anything at all. This had quickly turned into an interrogation. And he had negative desire to get to know me. Except in the biblical sense.

He clearly wanted to move on to other activities. And I super didn't want to.

While he was "re-arranging the pillows so they'll be more comfortable," I sent a quick text to my friend Chris saying something like "HELP. GET ME OUT OF THIS." (I had previously told Chris I wasn't sure how this date would go and would be contacting him if I required assistance.) Require assistance I did, and Chris, gem that he is, called me promptly.

I waited a few minutes and then said, "Sorry, someone's called me like 10 times. Let me make sure it's not an emergency."

I called Chris back and he told me he needed me to pick him up because his car had been towed. (GREAT job, Chris. Flawless. I forever love you for being such good friend when I needed you to be.)

Except my date said, "Oh, I'll have my friend pick him up."

WOW. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. No. You can't have your friend pick him up oh my gosh how thirsty are you!?!

This threw me off so badly, I said the next excuse that popped into my head.

"My cousin needs me to help her sew a dress."

** face palm **

".. Sew a dress?"

"Yep."

"Right now?"

"Yes, right now."

HAH! Bet your friend can't sew dresses. 

"Okay, I guess we can leave."

Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Thank you.

To my credit, my cousin was sewing a dress for a wedding that day. So, it was true-ish.

The ride home was probably the most awkward experience of my life because he tried to hold my hand. Holy heck, dude. What part of this date made you think I wanted physical touch from you? Good Gracious. I GAVE ZERO SIGNALS FOR YOU TO TOUCH ME. ZERO. I SAID I WOULD RATHER SEW MY COUSIN'S DRESS THAN CONTINUE THIS DATE.

Make-out guy, unfortunately, was pretty scarring for me. I felt like I needed to take a shower and was disgusted with the thought of going on another date for several days. But. You gotta get back on the horse. Gotta play the game if you want to win.

So, I bucked up and carried on.

The Bad Date Chronicles: Naked Man

^^ Because this guy was about as crunchy granola as a man made out of actual granola.

Naked man was a set up by one of my older friends. It (he, sorry, he) was a relative of his, and I was more than happy to oblige him by going on a date with said relative. I do what I can to please the people.

Our first date was... I actually do not remember what our first date was, but we had a pretty good time. He was definitely not what I was usually attracted to (he was a Ute, so, that's exotic.), and I wanted to make sure I gave the relative of my friend a fair chance, so I said yes to a second date.

OH! We went rock climbing on our first date. It was pretty fun, but he made me do it barefoot because I don't own climbing shoes. I cut several of my toes on the rocks that I was climbing barefoot. But he was nice besides that.

On our SECOND date, we hiked 4.5 miles to the hot pools in Springville. Can you tell that this guy likes nature? I bet for our third date we would have swam the Provo river and cooked fish that we speared with our own handmade spears.

If any of you know me, this is comical just by itself. I'll tell ya right now, I probably won't marry a mountain man. I like all of the things that nature can't provide. Like houses.

Nature is great in small doses where you go home and watch a movie afterwards. Humans learned how to make houses so we wouldn't have to live outside anymore. Let's not take that for granted.

For one thing, this man was a lot touchier on a second date than I thought necessary. I don't think you need to cuddle in a hot tub on a second date with someone you have just met. No, no. Don't need that. Second date just means "I wasn't repulsed by you." So after the reluctant cuddling, we started the 4.5 mile hike back to the car. For the ENTIRE hike, which took about 30 minutes, he told me how much he liked to be naked. (Remember, this man is hairy, has a small gut, and a full beard.)

He likes to rock climb naked.

He likes to do yoga naked.

He thinks I should try doing yoga naked. (He wouldn't watch, although he wouldn't mind. Heh Heh. Yes he actually said that. On date 2.)

...

He likes to repel naked.

He thinks he was a nudist in a past life.

Moral of the story: Don't go on dates with people from the University of Utah. Oh, Lizzie. Didn't you already know that?
No, and apparently I needed another reminder because the next guy in these chronicles was also a Ute and also not charming.
I don't make the same mistake twice. I make it two or three times, just to be sure.
I didn't make that up, but isn't it great? I feel like it describes my life.

Side note: Couples should not wrestle. I don't care how "playfully competitive" you are. Please do not wrestle. Please oh please. And if you do, please do it when you are completely alone and there aren't 5 other women watching you throw each other's bodies around. It is so strange. It makes me very uncomfortable because it seems erotic and I know you're not sleeping together, so I don't want to watch you release any sexual tension. Please do that on your own time. I can't tell you how much I don't like it. Actually, I could, but I'm going to stop before I start using unladylike language. Sorry, Sherlynn. I used the language at her so I wouldn't cuss out the couple.

They broke my picture frame.

No wrestling.

That's all. Have a nice day.

The Bad Date Chronicles: Murderer Guy

Oh, Murderer Guy. You cheeky you.

I met Murderer Guy at the Liberty Square hot tub. Classic. He told me he would take me on a date to go horseback riding. Sounds pleasant and free of certain death, yes? No no. No.

Murderer Guy picked me up and took me to his grandfather's ranch. We saddled up some horses and started our pleasant little trot across the tall, grassy plains. All was free of killer-like scenarios until we came upon an abandoned, bashed in house. Part of the roof was collapsed, the windows were broken, and there was graffiti on some of the walls. Sounds like the perfect setting for a first date. Wait a second. No it does not. Not even a little bit.

It looked much like the photo above -- one of those houses you pass by on road trips and chuckle as you say to your friends, "Hey, that looks like a house you'd get murdered in!"

So we pulled up to this house and my date got off his horse and tied him up, implying that we were going to go near this house that screamed STAY AWAY FROM ME: I HOUSE KILLERS. Ask me why he wanted to get closer to this house. Go on, ask me. Because he's a psychopath. Also, I don't know why. These kinds of places are EXACTLY the kinds of places I strategize my entire life around avoiding. (i.e. I will not live in small towns or Rosewood, PA because of these houses)

My date then told me that he wanted to give me a tour. He told me it was an Abandoned Polygamy House. And if you know my feelings about polygamy, you know that this was probably the least inviting thing he could have possibly said. #ihatepolygamy

We walked up the rickety porch and he began to give me a tour. A few rooms in, I noticed a 6 X 3 foot pit in the middle of the floor leading down to a concrete cellar. At that moment, I saw my life as if I was watching it third person. As the opening scenes of a Lifetime movie where an innocent college girl goes on a date with a charming stranger and ends up being held in a concrete cellar of an abandoned polygamy house for 6 months and experiences a fate worse than death.

I suddenly became aware of the fact that I really didn't know this man at all and I didn't have any friends that knew him either. Then, I realized how easy it would be for him to kill me or something. I stayed a good 10 feet away from him for the entire "tour" of his favorite little date spot.

After what seemed like 7 years, he suggested we ride back to the stables. At this moment, I began one of the worst allergy attacks I've ever had in my life. My nose started getting watery, my throat got itchy, my eyes got watery AND itchy, my back was itchy. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I felt like the woman on the Claritin commercial before she gets Claritin Clear and also if she was puffy and itchy and miserable. I did my best to use my shirt sleeves to mop up all of the liquids that were streaming out of my face while we drove the 1624234 miles back to Provo.

At one point during the drive hime, he asked with irritation, "Do you want me to pull over and get some allergy medicine or something?"

Not if you're going to use THAT tone, buddy. I pridefully said no and counted down the seconds until the end of this date.

I'd like to say that was the last I saw of Murderer guy, but somehow he became friends with my friends, and we all stayed the night in his cabin a few months later. He made no acknowledgement to our date or to the fact that he was a murderer, and Maddie and I feared for our lives the whole time.

The Bad Date Chronicles: Card Trick Guy

Many of my friends have told me that I should write a book comprised of all of my worst date stories.  Yes, there are that many and yes, they are that bad. One day, I will show my husband these stories and say LOOK AT WHAT I DID FOR YOU!!!!! But I'm not bitter.

Since a printed book wouldn't make a lot of sense until I have children, I've decided to post them on this blog in installments.

For those of you who are new to my tales of dating woe, all bad dates get a title. Some to look forward to include Card Trick Guy, Naked Man, Staredown Guy, and Murderer Guy, to name a few.

DISCLAIMER: I'm mostly not friends with any of these men on social media, but if any of you find yourselves in these stories, don't be mad. I'm sure you're a wonderful child of God, but that date was awful.

I now present for your viewing pleasure, the Bad Date Chronicles. 

Chapter 1: Card Trick Guy

Once upon a time, I was shopping at the BYU creamery with my roommate, Emory. It was the first game day of my Freshman year, and Emory and I were decked out in BYU gear, and we looked dang cute. In the checkout line, I saw a dashingly handsome, tall, dark stranger. I dropped something to get his attention and started a conversation. He asked for my number and asked me on a date for the following week. Wow, you're thinking. Impressive. Stop. Don't be impressed. Just wait.

Side-note: this is literally the only time that move has ever worked, and, given what you're about to read, I don't think I'll use it again.

For the date, he picked me up and took me to the Canon center. We walked to the entrance and stood outside the doors where he handed me a stack of flyers and told me we were going to pass them out to students to advertise for his business (which was throwing parties. Winner, this one.). I thought this was a strange date activity and could be categorized as unpaid labor. He made sure to mention to me that he liked to have pretty girls with him when he passed out flyers every week.. Well don't I feel special.

To "reward" me for all of my hard work, he took me to Sonic and we ate ice cream slushes while talking about our backgrounds. His mannerisms gave me this weird feeling like they were rehearsed. He seemed like he was on autopilot.

We walked back to his car and stopped by the trunk. He pulled out a deck of cards and started showing me magic tricks. Now it's very important at this point in the story to remember that I was a naive freshman who had never been on a date with a cute college boy. Alright, let's continue. He did several tricks and then started one where all of the cards were facing wrong directions.

"If you want them to go back the right way, you have to kiss me."- him

"Heh. Heh. No, that's okay." - Me

"No really, it won't work unless you kiss me." - him

"Heh.. I don't think so." - Me

"Come on!! It won't work unless you kiss me" -him

** Now, I felt very trapped, so I kissed him on the cheek very quickly **

He thought for a moment and then said, "No that didn't work." Then he waited with his face pointed directly at mine. I very quickly pecked him on the lips and WOW THE MAGIC TRICK WORKED OH MY GOSH ITS REAL MAGIC WOW YOU ARE SUCH A COOL GUY. Honestly, what kind of person cons Freshman girls into kissing him by using card tricks. HONESTLY.

And that was my first kiss.

Flash forward to the next semester and he texted me, wanting to meet and catch up. I hadn't talked to him since our date, thinking that he wasn't the best guy, but I considered that maybe I had judged him to harshly. I agreed to meet up for hot chocolate, but said I was too busy for anything else.

We got to Denny's and he was the perfect gentleman. He was dressed up, asked me about myself, and seemed to be much nicer this time.

And then he pulled out a deck of cards.

"These tricks are familiar!" - Me

"What?" - him

"I've seen these tricks before; you did them on our last date." -Me

** blank stare **

"On our date? In October?" - Me

".. I've never taken you on a date before. " - him

"Yes.. you have. We passed out flyers and then got ice cream.." - Me

"Uh.. I don't remember that at all." - him

** more blank stares **

"Welp. We can leave now." - Me

And that is the story of the man who kissed me and then forgot about the whole thing in a matter of weeks.
This lets you know just how many times he had done this little routine. My feeling of him being rehearsed was spot on. Spot. On. I later had a friend who went out with him several times and on about date 5, forgot her name.

Update: He is married now. That was the most humbling marriage I have ever found out about.